Stan Helsing (2009)

 Video-store clerk, Stan Helsing, is tasked with delivering a bunch if videos to his boss' mothers' house in gated community, Stormy Night Estate, so he convinces his friends to take a detour to the estate on the way to a Halloween party.

Little does Stan realise, the estate is plagued by monsters and, as a descendant of legendary monster-hunter Abraham Van Helsing, only he can end the curse.
And so six if the worlds most prolific movie monsters make it their mission to stop him.

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This is one if those post Scary Movie parodies (in fact, in some territories this was sold as "Scary Movie 5") that has a (albeit thin) central plot, but tries to weave as many pop-culture jokes in as it can, and ends up looking more like a sketch show than an actual movie.

I almost always hate those movies; I'm probably not the person to listen to if you do like those types of movies.

Why did I watch it, knowing that I would probably hate it? It was a free rental from Xbox live... I have no better excuse. You had to download it over the weekend, but then you had two weeks to start watching it; I figured,  It's free, and I have to find 31 movies this month... (Well, 29... My weekly obligation to HorrorMovieAWeek.co.uk took care of 3 for me).

But anyway, enough excuses made for watching the damn thing, what if the movie itself?

Well it opened with the words "Stan Helsing" followed by the words "A Parody" I can't say I took that as a good sign...

The movie opens with Stan working at video store "Slockbusters", there are some movie related gags, including a list of fake porn parodies (Schindler's Fist, Glad-he-ate-her) and a group of black people yelling at the preview screen in the shop (they actually got the only laugh of the movie out of me; while watching The Blair Witch Project and claiming it to be terrifying, one of them comments "oh no; someone be arrangin' rocks again!") and then his younger manager ("I've got bongs older than you") sends him to deal with a cockroach in the restroom.

After tackling, and being sexually assaulted by, the human sized cockroach (another thing I hate in these movies; when the non-fantasy/horror elements defy realism just as much as the fantastical parts) Stan is handed the bag of videos he promised to deliver, and sent on his way. His ex, His best friend, and his best friends new girlfriend have come to pick him up for a Halloween party, but he convinces them to do the video drop-off first.

It isn't long before the monsters show up, and I'm going to tell you who they are, because I think they describe the tone of the whole thing perfectly (the names are taken from the credits, as they are never named in the movie:

Needlehead - a bald white faced man, in a long leather / PVC coat, with circular markings on his face and head, which is punctured all over with darts, pushpins and syringes.

Fweddy - a badly burned man, with gold teeth, and a swiss-army glove, in a Charlie Brown sweater, and a Flavor Flav style clock (with 'bedtime' written in place of every number). I could be wrong, but I'm sure the actor was wearing a CFX 'Extra Toasty' mask.

Pleatherface - a man in a slightly shabby clothes, wearing a knock-off Louis Vuitton handbag as a mask. He often wields an electric chainsaw, with a very long extension cord.

Lucky - a very short man in a Chucky suit, his face is slashed in a noughts and crosses board, he is clearly human, although referred to on several occasions point as a doll.

Mason - a very tall, mostly bald, pale skinned, ice hockey goalie, compleat with hockey shirt, stick, and mask. the holes in his mask form a smiley face. Unbelievably, Mason is played by Ken Kirzinger!!!

Michael Cryer - a man in a blue overall, with a white full-face mask (with hair) whose eyes are narrowed and face screwed up (having seen his name in the credits, I think it was supposed to be a crying face) - he also wears a kippah.

So yeah, that's the level we're dealing with...

The estate itself is built of the ruins of a movie studio that burned down; which is used to explain the monster infestation... But we see the monsters outside of the estate too; and on top of that, the script can't seem to decide it the place burned down before, or after it burned down.

What follows is a near random preseason of run-ins with the monsters, alternated with references that are presumed funny by their existence ("it's over there - 1428 elm street, the last house on the left").

Some of the references are too on-the-nose to be funny, others are so obscure and / or vague that I'm not sure they were deliberate.

The hi-light of the movie is Leslie Nelson as a waitress, which probably tells you everything you need to know.

I found it tolerable, but no more than that; remember though thy I hate these things. If you usually enjoy things like Scary / Epic / Date / Not Another Teen Movie, you might love it (alternatively, the fact I found it tolerable may indicate its a bad example of the genre, and you'll hate it) who knows?